As with many drawn into self-improvement, I come from an analytical background. Over the last year, my focus has been on social improvement and as a result my schoolwork suffered. In the past month, hardened determination helped me rekindle my aggression in developing my trade, my one true academic pursuit. Meanwhile, the Lothario of the summer faded, and I put aside all thought of game.
It hurt.
My friends with benefits dried into shrivels as grapes tend to raisins.
I had not forgotten the basics--dress well and go out. Every week day at noon, I went out and met a new girl on campus. Yet inside, I could feel the monster; I knew I was a beta again. I could keep a flirty conversation and scintillating eye contact. But my inside started asking questions. "You had four girls this summer and now you have nothing. How can you congruently try to convince this girl you are a gift to her desire? What if others start overhearing this and you become notorious on campus?"
The grue of external validation lurks around nothing but an ephemeral corner of the psyche. I had stamped it out of existence, or so I thought. A masculine core once united, beaming with gilded shield and cocksure of its status as pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, was sliced. I understood (quite frankly, very well) the only way to feeling amazing and loving women and feeling their love in return was a bootstrap; an axiom. I project my reality onto others, and they accept it. I am the man who laughs and commands as the public gathers to share in my joy.
But keeping this shit on a back-burner is fucking hard.
I thought I had internalized all inner game once and for all, and put it to the test with a month of abstinence. I don't want to be thinking about these things multiple hours a day, or even a week.
Alas, without resistance, our society and our self pushes us back to the status quo. I'm not supposed to stop that girl and tell her I think she's cute and flirt with her and want to fuck her without a relationship. Actually, wrong. That's bullshit. Somehow, shards of this lens cut me, when I thought I had fused with armor. Time and time again, it appears we can't escape our primitive nature. Indeed, what else is seduction?
Well fuck you, brain. I'm going back to studying; I'm going to be a world-class mathematician. And a lot of women will be lucky enough to get their most trembling orgasm while I'm at it.
